Trying to co-exist as a productive adult with my kids because long gone are the days I could put them to bed early and get my own shit done in peace lol #thestruggleisreal
Trying to co-exist as a productive adult with my kids because long gone are the days I could put them to bed early and get my own shit done in peace lol #thestruggleisreal
No parent ever wants to admit that their child has development issues, is slower than the norm or ‘special’. We want our kids to be healthy, happy, and able. But sometimes it turns out that they need that extra bit of support and TLC to achieve their milestones.
Autism, however mild or severe, is one of the scariest words for a parent to hear.
When Etienne (2.5yrs) was younger, he did not like affection or people very much. If you got in his face you were met with an open palm slap. And if a stranger acknowledged him and said ‘Hi’, he would scream at them as if to say ‘get away from me’. We took it as normal for that time as our other son, Chance (4) also went through a ‘stranger danger’ stage previous “Stranger Danger” blog here . It seemed to drag on however, so David and I decided that we would make extra effort to teach our child to be more affectionate and be ok with eye contact. We purposely got in his face, we cuddled him regularly (even when he was blowing up about it), we put him to sleep making eye contact and used his hand to touch our faces embracingly. It took a little while but our efforts paid off and now our little man is great with eye contact, affection and social situations with new people. We also put him into the best school (pre-primary) that we could find that catered to smaller classes and the individual attention and found that he was slowly adapting and interacting with other children.
While making great progress, he’s also missed a fair few developmental milestones. 2.5 years and not pointing, only a few inconsistent words and only just started chewing his food properly, are probably the ones I worry about the most. David and I sought out help from a paediatrician who sent us to an ENT. At first they thought it was a hearing issue. 2 weeks of tests later, they told us his hearing was perfect. Etienne was just really good at ignoring people and sounds.
No hearing issue meant they had to look at the other side….the spectrum side of things. The speech therapist suggested we started to do some therapy to help him with the communication side of things, hoping that once he could speak, some of his other odd behaviour would fall away. By odd behaviour, I mean hand flapping and funny blinking and hand gestures which we have identified as ‘self-stimulating behaviour’ or ‘stimming’.
See sometimes kids ‘stim’ to entertain themselves and when they are bored they make up games for themselves. This becomes habit and their ‘go to’ reaction to some things and feelings. Sometimes kids (and adults) stim because of anxiety, excitement or for comfort. (nail-biting, doodling, pen clicking are common forms of stimming0. And sometimes it’s a sensory issue. The latter is the more serious. Anyway our kid was stimming and we needed to know why, because it felt like he was so distracted by these actions that he failed to notice us or situations that he should have been learning from and mimicking.
Speech therapy was progressing really slowly. I felt that I was driving him to the other side of town for a short controlled play session with a speech therapist and that until we could tackle the stimming problem he would not have the attention to learn to speak anyway. So after doing some more research I sought out an Occupational therapist to assess our little man.
The OT came over to our house to observe Etienne in his own comfortable environment. After spending a couple of hours watching, (Etienne pretended the OT wasn’t there the whole time), He told us we might be dealing with some mild sensory issues do with the vestibular and oral systems. The vestibular system relates to the child’s sense of under or over stimulation to movement (can explain hyperactivity). And the oral refers to mouth sensory processing (which may explain sensitivity to food textures and delay in chewing, speaking).
The OT gave us a questionnaire to fill out. The questionnaire that assesses your child’s development against the normal milestones of other children his age, and based on the results would determine how behind he was or how far on the spectrum (mild, moderate, high, severe) he would be classed as. An intervention plan is then derived from this information. “The good old questionnaire”: like many, I’m a big fan of ‘Dr Google’ and had taken many questionnaires similar to this one, so I already knew they would tell me that he would be mild to moderate… David and I have filled the questionnaire and have handed it back for scoring and are waiting for the OT to come back to us with results and action plan so I will keep you posted in the next blog.
The thing is, if we had taken this questionnaire 3 months back, there would be a whole lot of milestones that we would have ticked ‘not achieved’ and if we retook the test in 3 months time I’m 100% sure some of those answers would be different. I see the progress that my son is making, but it’s just a lot slower than other kids his age. David and I decided that the label that we put on him based on those results would be reserved for this current stage that he is in right now and not carried out forever. We will be reviewing those questionnaires often to keep the diagnosis accurate and current.
I find myself wishing that it is a behavioural issue or ADHD or just a social delay for which he can play catch up on, because as far as I have read and understood, Autism and ASD and sensory issues don’t go away or get cured, we can only learn how to manage them so it doesn’t affect everyday life and development. I find myself asking what I could have done better as a parent and sometimes the guilt is overwhelming…
So there it is, my last 6 months of anxiety summarised into a few paragraphs, in hopes that other parents, professionals, friends and therapists dealing with these kinda issues may offer their stories, advice and reassurance.
The biggest thing is: I’m here on an island (Mauritius) that has minimal support for these kind of issues, (parents here almost are in denial of children’s behavioural and sensory issues, because they are embarrassed and scared of being judged), and I know that if we want the best chance to turn it around, we need to intervene early. It makes me want to pack up and run back to Australia as fast as I can, but then, with the cost of living comparison, I might have to work so much that I may not have the time to dedicate to develop my child the way he needs there, like I have the time here. And what about how all this will affect my older child? Will all this time dedicated to Etienne mean we might overlook Chance’s progress or unintentionally make him feel neglected? And what if we can’t afford treatment?… So what do I do? Take things one step at a time and educate myself as much as possible… Fuck parenting is challenging sometimes…
Thanks for taking the time to reading my story so far… Please share and comment as you wish Xx
At some stage, as parents we wonder whether our kids get enough of, or too much of sleep. Sleeping is so important for growing, development and keeps kids moods regulated. And for us parents gives us a chance to recover, rest or get other bits and pieces done.
There is no standard or normal when it comes to babies and children. They are all unique and some more energetic than others, so its best that you play it by ear and work with them to create a natural routine.
Etienne (2) is a morning person, he’s up at 7am, naps approx 1.5 hours during the day and is usually down by 930pm. Chance (3), however, is a bit of a night owl. We are in school holidays at the moment so he is up at 1030ish, sometimes doesn’t nap and goes down at 11pm on average — when we are unlucky he stays up till 2am… On school term though, this all changes.
Anyway, for those of you who are wondering how much their kids should be sleeping, check out this guide I found below. And remember that they will usually sleep more during growth spurts, after new experiences and when they are unwell.
Wow school holidays hit us like a slap in the face this time round. Where did the time go? As busy parents, Dave and I only caught on that holidays were coming up on the Wednesday before.
3 whole weeks of both kids at home – at a time where we actually don’t have a car available to us! What a nightmare! We are one week in and…I haven’t had a moment for blogs or recording or work till now.
And boys are like puppy dogs, they have so much energy you have to take them out for runs, plays and activities. If I keep my boys in the house too long, they literally start to destroy it.
Anyways having surrendered to the fact that I’m not going to be as productive these next few weeks, I’ve been trying to come up with activities to do with them in the house and locally. Here’s a few things I have on the program.
Walks to the park
If the sun is out and it’s not raining, it’s a goer! I thought I would have a problem getting them to leave but after a good play they are more than happy for a drink of water and home time.
Chance adores cooking. This week we made banana and choc oat muffiny cookie things (I was improvising). We also make pizza using wraps and tortillas with tomato and cheese. They are so quick and easy. Next week we’ll do cup cakes and pancakes.
Everybody loves Lego, till they step on one! Building things with Lego is so good for their development and creativity. We always opt to buy the genuine Lego brand though as they are built to last and wont crack into sharp bits.
We have lots of Wiggles and ABC kids DVDs in reserve and the kids absolutely love dancing. Plus it burns lots of their seemingly unlimited energy (ours too). All in fun and exercise.
My kids are big fans of Mister Maker so they love drawing and making things with cardboard, paper, clay, straws – just about anything. Try to collect bits and pieces they can use for crafts: jars, boxes, toilet rolls, tins, lids buttond etc it is also a nice way to recycle.
So there is a good start. I’d love to hear what other parents are doing on school holidays to keep their kids entertained. Please comment below. Remember that days of them dying for your love and attention are numbered so make use of the time while you can. One day you might be the one chasing after their attention 😉
Today my son Chance had his half year assembly and presentation day. It was his and my first.
His class of 3 year olds came out and sang and recited a poem for a big audience of parents and friends. My son being my son of course, came out and went straight for the microphone and hogged it for the whole performance! I had to go up on stage to hold him back from taking the mic over from the other kids. It was hilarious. But the best part of it was when he looked out to the audience and saw me there. His face lit up and he shouted “Mum!’ and my heart was full.
It was optional but I attended. And I attended because I remember what it was like to be a kid and not have anyone show up to watch. My family couldn’t always make it due to work, lack of transport and other commitments and sometimes they did, but they were late. Even though it wasn’t them being intentionally nasty, as a kid, sometimes it felt very disappointing and even embarrassing.
So today I showed up for my kid. On time. And I was proud and happy for him and for all the other parents that I saw there showing up for their kids. I think that it is so important for them to know that there is someone there rooting for them, always, no matter how young or old or popular they are. It’s such a great confidence booster and builds so much trust.
So if you can make it. Show up. It might be boring. You might hate it. It might be an effort. It may be out of your way. Show up. And be early. And clap and be proud and excited for them. They’ll remember it for a long time.
Today my son showed me all of his work that was displayed on the walls at school, including the below drawing of the kitchen? He’s a creative one 🙂
Ok so I’ve spent the last 10 months on this tiny island of Mauritius with my family, after spending the last 30 years in Australia. I think that Sydney is massively over-regulated and do like that there are far more freedoms offered to us here on the island, but one thing I think is a massive issue is that people do not seem to risk assess very well. It particularly annoys me when it affects the safety and well being of children.
The ridiculous risk taking that I have seen here in the last few months is beyond me. Especially on the road: Carrying full gas bottles or a plastic tub of kerosene on a motorbike, massive rice sacs flopped over a pushbike – riding in traffic, people who choose not to use a blinker, or a seat belt or shoes and a bunch of workers riding unsecured (standing) in the back of an open truck.
I drive Chance to school every morning and pick him up every afternoon. The amount of parents that let their kids ride in the car without a seat belt or an appropriate car seat is crazy. It is not law to have to wear a seat belt in the back seat here. But why the Fuck wouldn’t you? Why the fuck would you let your child stand on the passenger or back seat of your car whilst driving. I’ve seen this twice this month. Where are your fucking parenting skills? How do you not see the risk in this and why don’t you know better? As parents we have the responsibility to appropriately assess any situation and make sure our kids are safe before anything. But its like some people have the “It won’t happen to me” attitude and that is how they are navigating through life. Until that unfortunate day that your child flies through the window-screen. No one wants to see a child injured or worse. So parents, For Fucks Sake, take extra precautions to ensure their safety, even if the cost is a litte higher. You can always make more money, but you will never be able to replace a child you’ve lost.
I’m going to list a few points based on the things I’ve seen here in hopes to enlighten some people (maybe education is what is lacking):
On the road
Out and About
In the Kitchen
Around the house
This is just a start of a list. There is so much more I could add. Above all, Parents, teach your children how to be safe, play safe, and look after themselves and others. Teach them how to identify risk. And when you ask them not to do something, explain why. They are sponges to information and will learn quickly how to keep safe if we put in the effort into teaching them.
Let’s be honest. Kids are grotty. Their hands have touched and poked random crap out of curiosity, they sweat buckets from playing, the are professional nose pickers (he literally handed me a booger yesterday), and most have yet to grasp the idea of covering their mouths when sneezing or coughing.
My 3 year old started school 2 weeks ago. In 2 weeks I’ve kept him home 3 days, 2 separate infections, the first, fever and sore throat, and the second, a cold/cough… Both times he’s almost lost his voice.. Apparently I’m getting off easy… I haven’t experienced ‘Attack of the school gastro’ yet. (And I’m heavily crossing my fingers).
I started to think that maybe schools and other kid areas are dirty and gross and aren’t well kept. I send my child to a private and brand new (newly built in December last year) school with a small amount of students. There are only 10 kids in his class and still he has picked up the germies. He also got sick in the small time frame I sent him to childcare in Sydney. Surely they (all schools etc) cant be germ infested holes.
I’ve been reading up this stuff and have come to the conclusion that:
Kids are just gross (including mine) and germy
They soak up infection and bacteria like sponges
They have low immunity if they don’t mingle with the rest of the world.
So what to do?
Apparently, not much. I can boost my kid’s immune system by feeding him veggies or if he doesn’t like a variety of them, get him on some chewy kid vitamins. I can teach him to regularly wash his hands (which is no problem, Chance doesn’t like his hands dirty anyway). I can show him to cover up when sneezing & coughing and I can shower and clean him regularly (at least once a day).
Also I’ve heard the more he interacts with other kids and gets sick, the better immunity he will have to infection later on.
So let your kid be social, don’t stress too much if they eat a bit of dirt and roll through those minor infections, it is said to be good for them.
And for Fs sake, if your kid has a contagious something, please don’t send them to school to infect mine…The attack of the school germs is not fun!
I’ve added a guide below
Lastly, if anyone has any tips on how we can battle through this please comment below. I would love to know how you have coped with the germ factor.
I didn’t realise how much I didn’t know until I started helping my older kids with their homework. And they’re still in primary school – Years 2 & 4! Sometimes I wonder if homework is a shared punishment for the whole family because we’re forever helping with questions or overseeing the quality of work before it goes back to the teacher. And we need to. When you get snarky notes from the school bemoaning your ability to fill in what books your child has read during the week it’s like being transported back to your childhood all over again: “Sorry sir (or, more often, m’am) I’ll try harder next time.” I’m scared there will be a day very soon – too soon – where I’m not going to be of any use to my kids at homework time unless I start going to night school, learning online or have a brain transplant. At the moment I can help them appreciate that if Kaiyan has eight more quinoa seeds than Talullah and they have 52 seeds between them, we can determine how many seeds they each have by subtracting eight from the overall tally and then halving that figure, a snazzy formula that reveals Tallulah has 22 seeds and Kaiyan 30. What happens when they’re doing quadratic equations? I’m only familiar with the last three letters in algebra and if x is an unknown it’s definitely going to stay that way! But rather than run for the hills I’ve decided to embrace the kids’ homework as a personal learning opportunity, a refresher course to keep my mind engaged and push some of the inane pop culture knowledge I have to a dormant part of the brain. Seriously, why would I know the name of Christina Aguilera’s fiance but have to quietly look up what a preposition is to be 100% sure I’m not making shit up!? Sure, we can sidestep our offsprings’ difficult questions with “what do you think?” or “ask your Uncle Google” but I’m sure that’s a disservice to us as much as our kids. I want to know stuff. I love being involved in all aspects of my kids’ lives. There’s an old adage “You’re Never Too Old To Learn” and, pushing 50 years of age, I’m only now starting to appreciate how true that is. I’m still dreading secondary school though… Lachlan Fyne is a Sydney-based author & father of 3 young boys who wants to sing backing vocals on Roxy’s albums. His first novel Nowhere Atoll is available in all good online bookstores.